Having two mothers can be a spectacular thing.
Several scientific studies analysed the cognitive, emotional and social performance of children and adolescents daughters of two mothers, having concluded that the performance was similar and all domains, being even superior in some specific aspects. So do not worry … your kids will do great.
But having two mothers raises some specific questions.
How can we distinguish the mothers from each other?
We have to find two ways of saying mother that are equitable but allow to differentiate each of the mothers. One possibility is one being treated by Mother or Mommy and the other by Mommy. Another possibility is to treat both for Mother or Mother followed by the name of each, Mother A and Mother B. Once the code is defined it is important that it be used everywhere and for all people, at home, in the family, in the school. Children will incorporate this designation and they will contaminate all adults. Even if it was strange at first, it soon became totally normal.
Does not it take a father to be born babies?
This question arises around 5 or 6 years. Children begin to learn the process of conception and birth of babies and question the (biological) need of a parent. This issue is especially relevant in the case of children born of artificial insemination who used donor sperm. The best way to deal with this (and all others) is to explain the facts as rationally and truthfully as the child can understand (at each age). Explain, for example, that to be born a baby needs sperm from a man, but that does not mean being a father. Father or Mother are those who like, those who care, not necessarily those who gave sperm or eggs.
Children perceive this explanation better than what they may seem at first sight. In the following years, they will repeat the same question and will be able to better understand their answers (in the biological perspective of conception and in the perspective of what a family is).
I do not have a father?
The answer is simple. Do not.
At school, in the park, and everywhere your children will be confronted with children who have a father, hear a parent, tell stories about parents, and inevitably confront them with this question. I do not have a father? Your answer must be direct and true. No. It is not difficult to frame this answer. Just explain to your children that many boys do not have a father, or have no mother, some have brothers and sisters, not all families are different. And, they are very, very lucky, they have two mothers.
It is vital that this issue is always clear, there is not a father absent in your family. It is a family without a father and with two mothers.
How do I (myself) refer to the other mother?
Exactly like that, the other mother. At school or at other places your children attend you will have situations where you have to refer to your wife. Do it naturally and people will quickly realize that your child has two mothers. It is up to you to pass this message on naturally or you will be the first to make a form of discrimination. Use common expressions between couples, my wife, or in case if it is a situation where that applies, the other mother of my son (or daughter).
When talking to your child and referring to the other mother, treat her the same way the child treats her, for example, “Mommy is coming” or “Mother B went to work.”